Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
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Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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