my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We named our party play list daddy issues
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You left your phone here
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