On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
third nipple confirmed
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
