I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
