Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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