My nipple is on Facebook.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
