do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I need water and some morals
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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