dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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