I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize