My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
