you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
