You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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