My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
