Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
