For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
