I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
