I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
