I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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