I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
