Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
