forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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