Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
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Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
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There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.