She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...