Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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