I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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