I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
