I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I have fence marks all over my body
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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