her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
