youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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