the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
