I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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