i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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