For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
And then my night got REAL pukey
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
