if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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