dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
