you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
