I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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