Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
