It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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