Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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