Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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