so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize