In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
