Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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