Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
