I think my fart just growled at me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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