I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
the liver wants what the liver wants
whose parrot is this?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
