I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
