You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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