I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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