Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
