i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
