I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
