I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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